Foreplay + a Playlist
Words by: Maggie Laubscher | Music by: Abby Yemm
This is a weekend of lovers. Being one, loving up on one, finding one, letting go of one. It comes in all forms, this time of year. And with it, a fresh dose of foreplay and lust.
Sex and eroticism are elements of life we all crave. And they are worth fighting for. Esther Perel, psychotherapist, sex expert, and unbelieveably wise human: ‘Eroticism in the home requires active engagement and willful intent. It is an ongoing resistance to the message that marriage is serious, more work than play; and that passion is for teenagers and the immature.’
Part of that play is orgasms. There is an idea that female orgasms are elusive. Statistics on this are hard for us to stand behind, either due to small test sizes or years-old findings. But beyond it just being a common saying, one stat we saw repeated is that women orgasm at least 25-percent less often than men. In that finding, women reported orgasming 50-70-percent of the time. Those stats are only for hetero encounters though.
SO. Instead of continuing down a statistics rabbit hole, here’s one finding that is 100-percent solid: not all vaginas are the same! Seems obvious, but it’s worth stating - and telling your partner. Kim Wallen, professor of psychology and behavioral neuroendocrinology, told The Los Angeles Times that shorter clitoris-vagina distances -- roughly from the tip of the thumb to the first knuckle -- yield more orgasms. But lengths vary because we are humans and not robots. So if your distance is more than a thumb’s length? ‘Regular intercourse alone typically might not do the trick,’ Wallen says.
This fact doesn’t prevent orgasms - it just adds fun in getting all. the way. there. :) Stephen Snyder, MD and sex therapist, noted in a Goop article that there are two roads to orgasm. He explained, ‘The low road is where you’re not very aroused at all, but with the right friction in just the right place you can climax. The high road is when arousal builds and builds until it’s like water going over the dam. The intensity of the orgasm is usually proportional to how excited you got along the way.’
So in all things, including sex, let’s take the high road. Sex. Lust. Desire. Foreplay. Kinks. Happy sex-positive Valentine’s Day, babies…
Sex Oils
Oils and lubricants are a fantastic way to get in the mood and stay there. We are particular about our oils, as many lubricants have parabens and other problematic ingredients. Also, a brief explainer: lubricants and arousal oils are both applied to your skin and to the clitoris or vulva. Lubricants simulate, or imitate, wetness. Whereas arousal oils typically stimulate wetness - their ingredients are meant to increase the blood flow to your genitals. Both are great, just know what you’re buying with each. For an oil-based lubricant, the Coconu Oil-Based Organic Lubricant is organic, hypoallergenic, and edible - plus its packaging is pretty and discreet. To try an arousal oil, we found Stimulating Serum by Rosebud Woman at Inscape in NYC. It’s made with aphrodisiacal ingredients (such as Maca, Damiana, and others) as well as natural stimulants.
Image credit: Rosebud Woman
Toys
Vibrators are like a little black dress - perfect for almost every occasion and something that never goes out of style. They also increase your confidence and state of relaxation. We will dive deeper (pun intended, thank you) on vibrators in a future post, but for now, here are two solid recommendations. The first is for partner play: the Eva II by Dame. Dame was founded by two women, a sexologist and an engineer. The brand aims to make toys that close the pleasure gap. The Eva II is waterproof, made of body-safe silicone, hands-free, and designed to stay in place during sex. Our second recc is for solo play: the streamlined Iconic Bullet by Jimmy Jane. It’s affordable, created by a reliable brand, and incredibly intuitive.
Image credit: Dame
Adorn
Sign yourself or a lover up for Birdie’s lingerie club. Beautifully wrapped underwear arrive via post every month. It comes in a lovely package accompanied by a personal note. Plus, you’re not only supporting local but also supporting a Nellie: Birdies co-founder Peregrine Honig.
Image credit: Birdies
Use What You’ve Got
Finger play is a sensual, breezy way to get to know yourself. Gigi Engle wrote a hella helpful guide in Teen Vogue on how to masterbate, if you need a refresher or intro. Check it out here. Another easy thing to try: add a pillow. It will let you be comfortable with different positions and angles. Alex Fine, sexologist and co-founder of modern sex toy brand Dame, has said, ‘People don’t realize that holding your body weight up takes energy. Holding yourself in a certain position creates tension that can actually hinder your ability to relax and enjoy pleasure.’ A pillow can ease that and heighten pleasure.
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